Fast forward a couple weeks, my mother finds out I’m pregnant unfortunately as she was putting gas money into my purse. Leave it to my disorganized self to leave all seven tests in my bag like some type of Magic 8 Ball hoping when I looked at them, they would somehow change. My father, perhaps worse off, found out after I got into a car accident. A accident which could have and probably should have killed me. I was brought into the ER and was questioned about which tests I can and cannot receive due to the pregnancy. How’s that for a pregnancy announcement?
The next month or so is a blur to me. It seems as I’ve come to learn about myself over the years, that when under extreme stress or trauma my brain prefers to block things out, a protection of sorts. What I do remember however is a series of conversations with my child’s father. Both of us were panicked, confused, horrified and used our humor to cope. For reasons important to us both we decided (even though I had always taken a firm stand against it) that abortion was the best option. Neither of us could handle this, we weren’t even together. So I made a hasty appointment, only to cancel it the day of. As panicked as I was i just couldn’t do it. Simple as that. Call it God, call it nerves, call it whatever you want, but I knew in my heart that I couldn’t take away a life simply because I didn’t have mine together.
When I let my ex know that abortion was no longer in the cards for us, he was very straightforward with his thoughts. Whatever I decided was up to me however, if I decided to mother this child, he would not play a part. There was something so deep rooted in those words that I knew in the depths of my soul, nothing I said would make him say otherwise, Suddenly mothering this child was no longer even a thought that crossed my mind. There are times in each of our lives where it’s as if a light suddenly flicks on. You know without a doubt the path you need to follow and your thoughts become a one track way of thinking. Abortion couldn’t be my path and unfortunately at 18 years old, dealing with numerous struggles of my own, being a mother was also not in my path. This left adoption.
I remember the day distinctly, I was driving around in my always in style bright red 94’ Taurus, it was a gorgeous fall morning, and I somehow landed the day off work. Having recently broken up with my boyfriend of a month (simmer down ladies, not everyone can have long lasting relationships like I can) I was in surprisingly good spirits. While on my way to the mall for some fall shopping and self esteem boosting, I called up a friend to talk about my recent breakup. “Hey, at least you’re not pregnant, that’s a positive right?! Can you imagine?!” Oh I could definitely imagine.. And it was not a thought I wanted to entertain! “Ha! That would be crazy! I should take a pregnancy test just to freak him out!”
So in between my retail therapy and Subway sandwich, I swung by the Dollar Tree for the most generic pregnancy test I could find and figured “Hey, while I’m here I may as well take it.”. It’s amazing the things our brains remember isn’t it? I can hardly remember what I ate for lunch, but I’ll never forget the bathroom stall I was in the day I took that test. I slightly hovered in JC Penny’s less than satisfactory bathroom. While I peed on a stick, meticulously trying to avoid splashing myself in the process, I thought “Huh…I wonder what I would ACTUALLY do if this bugger came back positive…”. Luckily for me I didn’t have to wait that long to think about what my reaction would be. In the time it took me to pull up my pants and text my friend about the embarrassment of buying this test, it was already done. When I looked down it was quite similar to any daytime soap opera when the woman has just had a mind blowing revelation. The lights dim, the camera zooms in, a dramatic slow piano tune starts playing in the background. Time stopped, for what seemed like days.
I stood hunched over this toilet, staring at this dollar tree stick, dripping with pee, that read I was pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant. As in, there was currently another life invading my body. My body which just inhaled a foot long sub and was contemplating which pair of tights I should buy. I must’ve read the test wrong. It’s not as if I’m some type of pregnancy test guru. I spent the next hour going all over Lancaster to various stores and bought seven, YES, seven pregnancy tests. Heck, if I wasn’t a pregnancy test guru before, I would be before this day was done. I sped home and guzzled as much water as what I thought my body could handle without actually exploding and locked myself in the bathroom. One by one, while praying, I took these tests. “Dear Lord, PLEASE do not let me be pregnant…you know what I do! Good God I can barely take care of myself! If you have these tests come back negative, I swear, I’ll never have sex again.” That’s typical isn’t it? To plead with God in our most desperate of times as if He is some type of bookie willing to bargain our sins away. Well everyone we live in the real world and God is anything but a bookie. Our decisions are our own and realistically speaking, if you decide to have unprotected sex, chances are you’ll end up like me. On the bathroom floor surrounded by pregnancy tests that seem to be all but screaming that your life as you know it, is over.
Those of you that follow me on facebook probably had your newsfeed full of pictures from the commercial I participated in ( i couldn’t help it, I was so happy!!) . I never went into more detail about what the commercial was geared towards because it would of been too much to write on FB and I wanted our FB followers and blog followers to feel my excitement!!!!!
Let’s Begin!
I have not been shy at all about sharing my struggles with PCOS. As much as there were struggles, there were gains and progress to a healthier me along the process. My former posts on my journey through PCOS described how I did my own research and began to regulate a lot of things on my own, lost weight etc. Although things did get better , there became a point in my journey that was stagnate. I was having trouble getting to my goal weight and my hormones felt very off! It’s hard to explain the feeling because words don’t give justice to all of what you’re experiencing in your body! Some days I just felt so out of touch with the present, it was hard to concentrate, my moods were up and down…. PCOS has much more of an affect on your body other than dealing with infertility issues, there’s more parts about the condition that can truly keep you down. ( I plan to do more advocacy and awareness on PCOS so look out for a few videos coming out about it in the near future).
With this being the case, I kept telling my husband ,” I need to find something else to help. I hate feeling this way!’ That’s when I found the BeBalanced Centers of Lancaster! (Seriously one of the biggest blessings to enter my life!) I had driven past this place from time to time but never went inside. A coworker of mines started one of their programs and said that I should try coming to the Center because they could possibly help me with my PCOS since they focus on helping women balance out their hormones. Well after I heard that, I went right to the BeBalanced Center and said “I need to set up a meeting and talk to someone and get help for my PCOS symptoms”. They were very welcoming and the girl I first spoke to when I walked through those doors said she also had PCOS and many of the products there helped her a lot! I literally wanted to hug this girl!!! You never know how much you want to get well until you experience things that don’t make you feel well at all. Health is such an important part of life and I was at my breaking point and prayed that this program would work for me.
I went for my first appointment and said to the lady ” I just want to feel better, can you help me with that?” We went right in to discussing the plan that I would be on that does help you loose weight in a healthy way while taking supplements that will help to regulate my hormones at the same time. I said “sign me up!! Oh wait..how much is this?” LOL. I’m not going to lie, for the budget we had at the time, it was somewhat out of our price range but I had a really good feeling that this would help me. I was juggling between, spend the money or feel like crap the rest of your life…uhhh… I will just spend the money! That decision didn’t go without having a conversation with my husband first and seeing his thoughts and I just thank God for him because he just said “if you really feel like this will help you then lets budget it in and make it happen!” I was so thankful!
So I started the plan and the first couple of days were a little rough because your body has to adjust to new and better habits. Within the time frame of me being on the plan, I lost 14 pounds AND I FELT SO MUCH BETTER!!!!! My hormones were finally regulated and I just truly felt good. I thank God often from healing me from those symptoms and sending BeBalnced as a resource to help me in that as well. I would say after a month or two of finishing the plan…we found out about our little bun in the oven. The joy of feeling better must of flowed to other areas as well! haha!
I would just encourage women who are dealing with hormonal imbalances to seriously consider checking out BeBalanced. Even though it was expensive, I would spend the money again to feel as good as I do now! It was SOOOO worth it! And you get what you pay for. No need in complaining about something, find a solution to it. For me this will forever be a changing point in my PCOS journey.
With all of these great things that came out of me being part of the program, I was asked to participate in one of their commercials that will be launching this fall. When you have something good, you have to spread the news about it!! I met other women on the set that had their lives changed from doing the plan and we were all inspired by each persons story! There were stories from women dealing with menopause issues to needing help to get rid of chronic headaches ,etc. It is amazing what regulating your hormones and dropping weight can do to help many issues in our bodies. Ladies, you owe it to yourself to fell better! Consult your doctor if you want ( personally I didn’t but that’s just my personal story) , research the program and then make a decision on what would work best for you. Everyone’s journey is different but I am so glad Bebalanced came along my path and I didn’t miss out on this opportunity to find the beauty in balance 🙂
Every season God puts us in refines us for the next season and then that season refines us even more.
I believe I heard our Pastor say one time , “God is more concerned about our character than our comfort”.
There is not much more to say after that point but it’s encouraging to know that through each process we are getting molded into the person God designed us to be if we actually allow ourselves to go through the process.
Process helps us to gain perseverance. There is always a great blessing at the end of persevering through each season.
Don’t quit at being a caterpillar when you have the potential to become a butterfly.
The stage looks great from a far. The title can make one feel extra important. The cause your going after is one you will be applauded for.
Stepping out of the boat seems impressive, bold and brave but continuing to walk on the water is the test. Remember the story of Peter and when he took his eyes off of Jesus that’s when he started sinking but when he cried out to Jesus he was still rescued.
I say all of that to say that our step of faith has not kept afloat without the waves hitting us with challenges and frustrations along the way. We have been in the process of rebuilding a lot and when the new hits the old that can cause friction.We knew to expect challenges but the type of challenges we were coming against were surprising to us and of course frustrating. It was to the point where I believe we became like Peter for a moment on this journey because we were hit with a lot from the beginning and there was a point that our focus was more on the challenges rather than the God that can help us through the challenges.
We asked the question, stay or leave? It’s amazing how God can move so many mountains in our lives days ago but when new waves come we can forget that. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. But when your in the midst of storms it can be hard to see that so that’s why we always say do not do life alone. Seek and keep people in your life that can give Godly wisdom.
We sought out those that cover us for prayer and words of wisdom. The most simple yet powerful thing that was said was “tune out every other voice and truly seek God on what direction you should take”. Were we allowing other voices or situations to remove us from our assignments we knew without a doubt we were to accomplish? I feel like there was a part of us that was afraid to truly seek God to hear his answer on what to do.
We became open to God’s voice and I asked for signs and he did just that. There was a quote that I saw on face book that said “grow where you are planted.” Oh how true that was becoming to us as God was sending many signs of confirmation for us to stay where we were planted. I saw another sign driving home that said ” are you running with faith or just running?” ha! God was sending us Gideon moments, every sermon, song, etc spoke to the answer he was giving us so we say, even when we don’t understand everything.. it is well, it is well with our soul. We will complete the work God has for us while our eyes are continually fixed on him.
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us runwith perseverance the race marked out for us,2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pionee rand perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart” – Hebrews 12 : 1-3
When we drove up to our new location it was raining. Pouring. We slept somewhere else that night until the next day when we could actually move into our home.
Next day, rise and shine!……not really..its still raining out. Ugh.. is this a sign? haha!
Maybe it was a symbol of washing away the old and preparing for the new but at the time it just seemed inconvenient. I started to feel this weight of not being settled. I think I was just over tired and so over the packing and unpacking. Thankfully, a few members from a church within the area came to our house and helped us unpack a few things and put stuff in order. We were so grateful for their help!
After everyone left there were still some boxes left over and some how I had this thought that I could unpack and clean everything in 3 days. Um yeah….3 months later and we still have some boxes and bags in the closet LOL.
The first week was challenging. We had left everything to come to where God had called us to and that’s awesome but that doesn’t mean that everyday was or is roses. The first week , week and a half we had no cell service or internet. If we wanted those necessities we had to go to another part of town that had wifi. When your out in new territory by yourself those necessitates feel important to connect with the outside world, ya know.
If we needed to get to the stores, they are about 35 – 40 mins away.
We had also taken a huge pay cut to come here and there were some days that the bank account and what we needed just didn’t matching up. I remember one day I was at the dining room table and I was just looking out the window seeking God. I believed God would provide but I needed to know he was with us right then… at that moment. It was a lot of new everything at one time. Jason and I worshiped and prayed together, cried together and just lifted up everything to God.
It’s a crazy feeling to know you are where God wants you to be but you can only see but so far. It’s like Lord we don’t know how this will work but we have to trust you because this is where you want us.
We were some what exhausted from the weeks of packing and visiting as many people as possible before we moved.
It just didn’t feel real, “this is our last Sunday here”? Although, we knew we would come back and visit often, it still was different. Part of our heart is in Lancaster with the many friends we had made and came to love like family. 8 am service was the worst because the tears just wouldn’t stop flowing. This was partly due to the service being so good! PC preached about worship, we sang and spent time in God’s presence. It was wonderful and my heart was so full. But then when we went over to the Missions Hut and everyone came to hug us and we said our good byes, omg, my heart. I didn’t want to let some of the people go.
During one of the services me and another young woman that asked to pray for me started crying and that was the first time that we had met haha! But God was sending people to us that day to speak words of confirmation about the journey we were about to embark on. I was thankful for those that were obedient to God’s voice to speak to us about what they felt God was telling them to tell us. They were spot on! By the time we got to the end of the third service, it had finally sank in. Transition. It’s time.
We finished packing up the u-haul and off we went! On to the new chapter God had called us to.
Missionary Send off – Victory Church Lancaster May 31st, 2015
Becoming a mother doesn’t mean you forget being a wife.
When you work full time and mommy duty is calling you ( you can become consumed in mommy hood even while being pregnant, thinking only about the baby) , your other role …wife ..can be pushed to the side if you allow it.
Knowing that can be very real , I still try to keep it spicy even though I’m pregnant ;). Other mentors in our life and our weekend to remember sessions ( look at family life today to find any weekend to remember details, it is so worth going to as a couple!!) have taught Jason and I that too which is a blessing. Every season of life will extend a certain amount of time but the point is carving out some of that time to be his wife , not a career woman, not a mom, but his wife.
My husband tells me I’m beautiful all the time when I have no makeup on and am looking like a bum. I just stare at him and then say “do you see what I look like?” LOL! Even though I appreciate those compliments during those times, I still like to get dressed up , put my makeup on, do my hair ( or slap on a wig haha) and look nice for him. I see how his face lights up when I do, do that. “How you doin?” 😉
Encouragement:
Keep dating your spouse because one day the kiddos will be out of the house and it will be just be you and him again. Let’s not loose that fire for our husbands ladies 🙂
Fast forward and I am now 23 weeks! Wow! The time has gone by fast! According to “The Bump” app I have on my phone , the baby is as big as a grapefruit. I think my little one is bigger than that haha! Since my last post we found out that we are having a little boy which is what I felt God telling me those weeks before conceiving ” you will conceive soon and will have a son”. Since that time my heart was set on this little prince that had been on my heart so when the doctor said “it’s a boy!” I wasn’t surprised but just happy by the extra confirmation I was now receiving from the doctor.
Let’s talk about my new doctor…LOVE HIM!!! He is one of those people that you want to be like ” can you please be my friend?” haha! He keeps Jason and I cracking up! Having a great experience with my new doctor and new hospital that I will give birth at has truly been a blessing. This was one of my concerns when we moved during the time we did because Jason and I really liked our doctors back home but God surely blessed us with this medical team. The hospital where I will deliver our little man is very big on the mother and child bonding right after birth. They encourage skin to skin contact right away for as long as possible. I am so looking forward to that moment. 🙂
We have been going to the pregnancy classes and let’s just say the video that showed the placenta traumatized every single person in the room more than the birth itself LOL! Is it bad though that all I wanted after that class was french fries? Such a random pregnancy moment but a trip to Wendy’s was in order to say the least. The most recent class showed a video that focused on the pain you experience through labor and the breathing techniques you should use. I would love to do everything naturally…no medicine. It has been done before so it is possible but we shall see 🙂
Now with switching gears, let’s discuss shopping. There is so much more stuff out there for girls than boys!! Oh my word! Trying to find cute things for his room is slim but then I look around the corner and BOOM! Pink explosion of cute stuff for a girls room. Needless to say, I am still trying to figure out how I want to decorate his nursery. I need to hurry up because December will be here before we know it.
The next thing is planning a baby shower on a budget. Pinterest..you are my friend. Yet, somedays I’m two seconds from telling everyone just to meet me at Chick-fil-a and calling it a day! haha! It’s almost like planning a wedding, “how much can we afford”, “how many people can we actually invite?” etc. It can get stressful but the good thing is, my husband is very supportive and we are on the same page about keeping everything simple. At the end of the day, its not about the glitz and glam, perfect place, perfect decorations, etc its about being surrounded by friends and family that love our son even before he comes into the world. Keeping that perspective helps us to stay grounded and not get all worked up about things.
That’s the biggest thing I have learned while being pregnant. There are just some things I am not going to stress about. I just take a deep breath in and a deep breath out and Carpe Diem boo! ( smile).
Missionary Send off – Victory Church Lancaster May 31st, 2015
Ashley Wilson 