It was an early Tuesday morning , prob around 3 am. I had missed multiple days for my period to start and I said okay I’m going to take a pregnancy test. Paced around a few because I was excited and nervous. I had similar situations where I was a few days late and then I would take a PT and see a big fat negative. That level of disappointment is hard to shrug off some days but this time, I felt things would be different. “Here I go, test time…try not to peak… Omg, what does it say!?…it says ……….negative?? What? I really thought this time was different”.
I tried to hold back my tears.
I crawled back in bed and layed next to my husband quietly but he knew something was wrong and asked if I was okay. Well, here come the tears. I told him the test was negative…..again. This is what I shared with him with tears coming down my face, ” I have come to the point of accepting we may never conceive and I’m okay with that but I just feel like if I’m not going to conceive , God, at least let my body work! Let me get my period on time! None of this lateness that builds up my hope and then I’m disappointed . I feel so frustrated. “. My husband was so empathetic and spoke to me and held me in his arms til I was finished crying.
Later that morning, I decided I would worship and pray as I drove to work. I decided I would declare positive things on my life and marriage and claim that we would be parents in Gods timing.
Over the years My husbands and I desire to conceive and adopt were strong so we asked God for both. We gave God the desires of our heart and asked for his will.
Let’s be honest, sometimes waiting on Gods will can be frustrating and feel like a roller coaster but his plans are perfect so although there were tough seasons we still prayed that prayer.
There were times I felt bitter and hopeless but God didn’t let me stay there. He reminded me of his faithfulness and even sent others to speak words of encouragement to my husband and I. God is so loving and thoughtful to do those things.
One of the things that came to mind is God speaking to me probably two weeks prior. I heard him tell me I would conceive (which i thought would be months ahead) and even what the Gender was :). So I quickly wrote it down in my journal. Later that night I expressed this to my husband and I told him I was nervous. Like he always does, he was calming my fears. “If this is what God has for us,he will provide, we will be okay. This is something we desired, why are you nervous? don’t be nervous”. ( I am so thankful for my husband.)
I think knowing all the transition we had coming up with moving and new jobs made me nervous.
Later in the week I met with my lineage of love group and for prayer requests I asked them to pray for me because for some reason I felt that mother hood and ministry was coming very soon and I was nervous. (Haha! well doesn’t God have a sense of humor).
After all of that worship and proclamation in the car something just felt different. I felt like I still was supposed to take another test. My husband and I went to the store later that night and I got an early pregnancy test that had three test in the box. “OK Lord, please”.
I went in our house and went straight to the bathroom, “mmm, OK..wait for it, wait for it….wait the first line is coming up … A SECOND LINE…OMG” !!!! I call for my husband “Jason , Jason’!!! Come over here!” He was cooking so he’s like “no come in here” haha. I’m like “noooo you really need to come see this come over here”. He walks to the bathroom. I said “you’re going to be a DAD!! I’m pregnant”!! He was like “Really!!!??? Take another one”. The journey of multiple negative tests affects both the husband and wife. So needless to say in all I probably took 7 pregnancy tests within that week haha!!! I couldn’t see that positive come up enough. I love the clear blue ones because it specifically says PREGNANT.
We were so excited!! We called our parents right away we couldn’t wait!
So why the negative pregnancy test earlier that morning? I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like it was a test to see if I would still praise God despite a disappointment. Although I don’t pass every test, I was happy to pass this test and God blessed us so!!
Trusting God during the wait is hard but just keep reminding yourself his timing and plan are perfect.
Ashley Wilson 