In the midst of being excited about a new journey that will consist of God blessing us with a child through adoption there is still a season of grief that I have experienced about not being able to conceive. The tricky thing about having PCOS is that some day it “may” magically happen that I conceive but there is a chance that I will never conceive so what truth does one lean on? I know that God has called us to adoption so I don’t dwell much on conceiving but there are those times when in conversation about my adoption and PCOS that I start to get teary eyed at the fact that Jason and I may never know what our biological child looks like. What would their personality be like? Would they be short or tall? Would they have more of his personality or mines? I may never know and quite honestly that hurts. Every time I hear about a child being hurt or killed because of the negligence of someone else , its like really? Yet, there are those of us that would love to have children but were not gifted with that? Why, God, Why?
My husband and I went to a marriage conference not too long ago called “I Still Do” and at the end you get to renew your vows which we did and I just fell in his arms crying. I felt like the tears could continue to flow into the next day. You remember the part of your vows that says , “through thick or thin, for better or worse” , well when the worst actually hits, it tests your marriage and my husband has been nothing less than supportive through it all. I love him for that and the vows we said that day meant more to me than the ones we said on the day we got married because we were getting through this storm together.
As much as my flesh would want to be wrapped up in the “why?” , God has sent an overwhelming peace over me to encourage me that everything will be okay. He is big enough to handle my hurt and bless me way beyond I could ever imagine. This little guy or little girl is meant to be in our forever family and Jason and I are meant to be their parents.
Ashley Wilson 